By Lauren ‘cabbage’ Mchale
From ‘The Cabbage Blog’
FORWARD :At the time of writing this, it was the summer holidays and as I mentioned in a blog prior to this one, a 6 week stretch of utter boredom. In our quest to quench said boredom, during that time, a few friends and I decided to go and see the new batman film. Then with me, always stating that 60’s batman is and always will be the best rendition of him, A certain someone thought it’d be a great idea for me to review the latest batman film, the closing episode in Christopher Nolans trilogy. So, however terrible and un-choreographed this review turns out to be, the whole thing was Lewis Gillingwater’s idea. Also there’s definitely some spoilers and stuff, just so you know…
Before I get into the meaty chunk of reviewing, I need to say a few words about Christopher Nolan’s Batman in general. I could just say one word about the entire trilogy and not really bother with a review at all, we’d all be living our lives, I’d certainly be eating chocolate cake a lot sooner than I probably will be doing and you would all be off to have a nice cup of tea and an IM chat or something rather than reading this. The word I’ll say, is “Disappointing” In short, Nolan destroyed practically everything I loved about batman, while not fixing anything I didn’t like. In fact, his failure to fix any of the problems in Batman heightened the fact he’d destroyed my favourite superhero.
To be honest I rather like it when there’s more than one villain, keeps Batman somewhat entertained. Although I was dissapointed at the fact that we didn’t really have a team-up with these villains. Well, lets face it with catwoman as a villain, that’s rather difficult given she’s always had sexual chemistry with our caped crusader. She’s usually portrayed as this sad, misunderstood creature with debts to pay and a dark past. She was also characterised fairly well and wasn’t just (as the black widow was in avengers) an attractive woman in a tight suit for boys to goggle over. Although they did play to that aspect of it a bit, really, I’ve accepted they always will. It’s based on a comic book!
The other villain was Bane and he was done exceptionally well. Personally, I’d never seen anything with Bane in it before this, but I’m told he was basically just a stupid lump on magical mask steroids. If you’re familiar with me, you’ll know how much I appreciate an English accent in an american film. It’s utterly beautiful, and a nice bit of rest bite for my ears so, well done Bane. Although I will say he probably could have done with a T-shirt or something. Also, I’ve never seen anyone put someone in prison and give them access to a doctor, a TV and the exit. So yeah, Bane was probably quite a nice guy.
Robin. Well lets face it, Robin was a bit of a cop-out. He was NOT the real robin! Okay, he was much better than the recent videogame’s portrayal, but it still was absolutely terrible. For a start where on earth were his bloody tights? Robin is not robin without green shorts and skin coloured tights. End. Of. Story. Also, Joseph-Gordon Levitt was Kind of a bit too old to play robin really. Okay sure, there was even a bit near the end where he starts asking the little orphan kids to run little errands for him when he thinks the city is about to blow up and I couldn’t help myself from chuckling and whispering the words “Teen titans!” to the people seated next to me during the showing.
However, I will say an affectionate word about Alfred. Michael Caine was the perfect choice for the role and there will never, ever be another Alfred like him. He was the best suited to his role out of every actor in the trilogy and his sacrifices are never truly looked at, valued or appreciated. Alfred gave absolutely everything to Bruce, Wayne manor and Wayne enterprises only to have Bruce let him believe that he died saving the city. It is fairly sad, heartfelt and touching that you get to see Alfred cry. I must say, if the film had just ended there, peoples thoughts would have lingered a lot longer on Alfred and it would have been more apparent what he actually did for the Wayne family. Also, It would have been a much more believable and satisfying ending than what we actually ended up with.
Can I just ask everyone who’s read up to this point, did anyone else notice the sheer amount of plot holes in this darn film? Okay, SPOILER ALERT: but How did Wayne manor not get raided when the whole city was in the midst of a total anarchistic uprising? Shops, houses and damn near everything else was getting looted by panic stricken citizens of Gotham, yet no-one thought to do a quick smash ‘n’ grab in Wayne Manor, set up to be the most posh, grand and wealthiest house in the entire city? Alfred had already buggered off after a bit of a to-do with Bruce, so he’s not going to be keeping guard anymore, so alrighty then Nolan. How in gods name did Batman find the time to painstakingly decorate a building with petrol to set his insignia on fire? Like I’ve already said, the city was being controlled by Bane’s mercenaries, petrol would have probably all been seized by said mercenaries. Where would little Brucey have got it from?
One fairly big one I found rather amusing, is that cat woman believed on just what Batman told her was the Clean slate. She blindly believed it was exactly what he said it was, for all she knew it could have been a USB stick with Batman’s music collection on it. That’d be a bit awkward if she tried to use it to create a new identity for herself and all of a sudden her ears were being drowned in a sea of Rick Astley. Then Bruce wouldn’t be able to have his soundtrack to auto piloting that flying batmobile into the sea with nuke attached . While I’m on the topic, I really do not understand how he managed to get out of that and alive. More importantly, how did anyone get out of that alive? Where’d all the fallout go and why wasn’t there a goddanm tsunami on its way to gotham after that? I could go on a considerable amount longer about plot holes, but I’d rather my blogs not be listed as a cause of death on anyone’s certificate, so…
Here I am again though about the stuff Nolan either destroyed or didn’t fix. I honestly think the 60’s Batmans and heck, even 90’s Batman’s had less plot holes than this one film. Yes, future directors of any futurecoming Batman production, that needs fixing! I’d like the story to flow and make some description of logical sense, if not at least try and put some description of explanation to it. I don’t know, maybe Batman borrowed Dr.Who’s screwdriver? That would be a better excuse than just HE LIIIIVVVEEEES! If you’re going to make Batman modern and realistic, at least make him face up to reality rather than just pull a 60’s style ending on us for little to no reason. As for villains, yes Nolan’s villains have usually been great, and have been suitably… villainous and dastardly. But I liked them the way they were, If something isn’t broken then don’t fix it. Honestly, I thought Nolan had bigger problems than Bane being British. Plus, the one thing I can never forgive this trilogy for is the distinctive lacking of real Robin.
So basically, Batman’s kind of put on a bit of a spare tire and let himself go a bit. The entire trilogy was rather disappointing and the more I think about it, the more this film in particular seems like the worst one of the three. Batman became his own damsel in distress and left robin at the orphanage for god knows how long. Whoever next decides to take on a Batman series has got some real work cut out for them rescuing the Caped Crusader from eternal damnation.